Today’s post is brought to you by my chronic inability to have successful human interactions. Alright, to be honest I’m not that bad. I have a lot of friends and from what I’ve heard people generally like me. Or at the least, they don’t think I’m a bitch or raging kleptomaniac. I do have my moments, though, and I want to share some of them with you.
1) When you run into your former crush at a bar a good start to the conversation is not, “So, I hear you’re my roommate’s T.A.” Like seriously, talk about the weather. Talk about Kanye and Kim K’s forthcoming kid and how it’ll be front and center in Suri Cruise’s burn book. Literally, anything would be better than resorting to T.A. talk. I mean ANYTHING.
2) When said conversation goes down in flames, the correct response is not to just walk away in silence. This just makes you look strange and will ensure that all future interactions will be uncomfortable. Plus, don’t forget that terrible conversations aren’t one-sided. He was being just as dull as you were.
3) There will be a time when you think it’s absolutely imperative to show off your signature dance moves to everyone within arms distance at the bar. Your friends will goad you on and a few people will play along with feigned interest. Meanwhile you’re jumping around like a drunk monkey while people are actually thinking, “What is happening and how can I make it stop?”
So, seriously, don’t do it. For the love of all things Joss Whedon, just don’t.
4) Avoid eating salads in public. You will spend more time figuring out how to get the damn lettuce into your mouth than actually eating. Then you will overanalyze whether your inability to eat a salad speaks to some deeper issue and if other people notice and are judging you. And in the end, you’ll just be hungry. Really. Freaking. Hungry.
What should you take from all of this? Well, mainly that I should stay away from men, bars and salads. Particularly when they are all present at once. As for my signature dance move, ignore what I said. It’s actually pretty baller.
Any of you hail from the school of awkwardness? Share your experiences in the comments!